Monday, May 4, 2009

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine....

Ok, ok, ok....

Have you ever wondered what God's thinking? 
These past few months the only question I seem to be able to ask God is "huh?" 
All thru my childhood, I knew what I wanted, I knew the direction my life was supposed to be heading, it was so clear to me. I had dove's eyes, I was focused. There was no changing my mind. I went to college just like I had planned. I was on my way to my destination. With out realizing it, I was fighting God the whole time. God's plan for me was ministry, my plan for me was forensics...they don't really go together. I was having trouble staying focused in school, but I was stubborn. God had to kick me out twice before I realized He didn't want me there, He had other plans. He had better plans. God opened door after door, and all I had to do was walk thru...one step right after the other. It's strange how He only gives us a few steps at a time. 
Sometimes I wonder "what's He thinking?!?"..."Is this mess I'm sitting in really worth it?"..."I hope He knows what He's doing?"..."Does He know what He's doing?!?"..."Has He forgotten me?"... I know James 1 says "consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of any kind, for you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance, and perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." We're told throughout the bible to "be perfect as our Heavenly Father is perfect".... Perseverance is the road to one-ness with God, I get that. But I've been here for a few months, I can't even see the next step. I'm at a loss....and I can't seem to find the next door. I get so frustrated, mostly at myself. Up to this point, I knew I was walking in God's footprints. But now I feel like I'm stuck in the fog. And as my knees hit the dirt and I reach my hands out searching for His feet, my heart aches and I feel so distant. The only thing in my head was "huh?" I felt so beat down.
Last night, I was sitting at the park with my pastels drawing the sun as it was setting. I thought, "how beautiful" and so often I miss this moment. And this is a moment that God paints every day...and a good artist puts so much of himself in his work, and I was right there in the middle of it. I got so caught up in finding my next step that I forgot where I was. I was searching for His feet and the whole time I was in His arms. My eyes had lost His eyes. I had looked out, trying to figure out what He was thinking, and the whole time all He was really thinking about was me.....

0 comments: